


Hard to Find

by in48frames



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Exes, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-24 00:57:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7487088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in48frames/pseuds/in48frames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight years ago, Felicity and Sara met at SCU. Seven years ago, they fell in love. Five years ago, Sara left. Now, she's back, and Felicity has to figure out how to cope with the emotions that brings. Can she set aside the love and hurt she still feels to be friends?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if you saw this when I posted it yesterday. I wanted to add a little more context for Felicity's silence, so that starts with "Sara was the one who taught her sign language in the first place."
> 
> Title and lyrics from Hard to Find by The National.

_I can see the glowing lights; I can see them every night._   
_They’re really not that far away, I could be there in a day._   
_I wonder if you live there still—I kind of think you always will._   
_If I tried, you’d probably be hard to find._

Felicity was tucked into a corner somewhere deep in Verdant, dance music pounding around her with a layer of loud and indecipherable conversation over top. She was sipping her drink very, very slowly, hoping she wouldn’t have to leave her corner any time soon. The only reason she was there at all was because it was the official opening and Thea had invited her. If she found Thea, she could probably get away with hiding in an office or leaving altogether, but that would involve leaving her corner, so no thanks.

She’d been in the corner for at least an hour—checking her phone every five minutes like clockwork—when Sara abruptly appeared in front of her, smiling brightly, and Felicity gaped at her. She’d known Oliver was coming home for his sister’s opening, of course, and part of her had probably known that Sara would return with him, but still it was a shock to see her, so much the same, standing before her in the flesh.

“Hello,” Sara signed, and Felicity squatted to put her drink on the floor and give herself a second for a deep breath and a split-second pep talk.

Standing back up, Felicity signed back, “Hello.”

“How are you?” she signed.

Felicity looked around, the flashing lights and a dance floor packed with bodies, this corner where she didn’t want to be anymore.

Sara put a hand on her arm, and Felicity looked back at her. “Outside?” she signed.

“Help me,” Felicity signed back, and Sara nodded, wrapping her arm around Felicity’s shoulders and turning to survey the room.

There wasn’t much for it, really, but to barrel through, so Sara turned her head and spoke into Felicity’s ear. “Hang onto my jacket and follow right behind me, okay?”

Felicity shivered, but nodded, and Sara stepped in front of her, letting her twist her hands in the leather of Sara’s jacket before Sara put her head down and started forward with all the grace of a bull, finding spaces where she could and making them where she couldn’t. She didn’t pause at the door, didn’t pause at the crowds outside, kept walking until there was space around them and then reached for Felicity’s hand, drawing her to walk at her side.

They walked until they’d turned a corner, finding skinny downtown houses, and Sara sat down on the steps of one, turning to face Felicity as she sat down too.

“Thank you,” Felicity signed.

“Can you talk?” Sara asked quietly, and Felicity shook her head, so Sara said, “Phone?” and Felicity handed her phone over.

She watched Sara tap on the screen, then pull out her own phone and tap away at it, before finally handing Felicity’s phone back, open to a text message screen with “Sara” at the top and the message, _It’s good to see you._ Felicity shrugged, and Sara typed again. _We should talk. Coffee?_

It was the least Felicity could do, probably. Sara had just rescued her. She typed, _How long are you here for?_

“Undetermined,” Sara said out loud, then typed, _No return tickets booked. When’s good for you?_

Felicity didn’t have to think about it. Saturday is when you have coffee in the afternoon. Unfortunately, today was Friday, which meant tomorrow was Saturday. _Tomorrow. 2pm._ And she added her current address.

Sara looked up at her and smiled, then typed, _I’ll pick up your favourite. Can I get you home?_

_I’ll get an Uber._

_We can share it._

“OK,” Felicity signed with her free hand, and Sara smiled again, looking down at her phone to order the car. Felicity could get home even when her mouth wouldn’t make words, had done it a million times, but Sara liked to take care of her and Felicity liked it when Sara took care of her. Not that it was the same as before. It was instinct, for Sara. They weren’t together. Not anymore.

They rode home in silence, going to Felicity’s first, and Felicity waved goodbye as she left, texting as soon as she was in the elevator, _I’ll pay my half tomorrow. Thanks for saving me._

Sara replied a matter of seconds later. _What I’m here for._

Not true, but she’d take it. Once behind the locked door of her apartment and changed into soft flannel pyjamas, burrowed to the centre of her bed under the comforter, Felicity texted Thea: _Great party. Left with Sara. Talk soon._

Then, immediately after she hit send: _Not like that. We shared an Uber._

And again: _To our separate dwellings._

_Separately._

_Please call me._ She bonked her phone against her forehead, then brought it back in front of her face and scrolled through a few of her feeds. It got hot and airless quickly under the blanket, so she moved to lie flat on her back with her head on the pillow and the blanket pulled up to her chin, phone still in front of her face.

It was a while later when her phone started buzzing, Thea’s face up on the screen, but Felicity wasn’t sleepy yet so she answered, “Hi.”

“Hey, hon. How are you doing?”

She didn’t have an answer for that. “Is the party over?”

“Winding down. I’ll let the boys clear it out. Just stepped into the office.”

“Thanks for inviting me.”

“I know it wasn’t your scene. I really appreciate you coming.”

Felicity hummed, then said, “Did you know Sara was going to be there?”

“Not really, babe, I’m sorry. Oliver booked his ticket weeks ago but Sara was on standby, kind of a whim.”

Felicity’s stomach sank. If it was a whim, ‘no return ticket booked’ didn’t count for much, did it?

“Was it okay, seeing her?”

“I don’t know.” Her eyes welled up, a lump in her throat, and she clenched her jaw and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to sound normal when she said, “We’re having coffee tomorrow, unless I cancel. It… God, it hurts to see her.”

“Do what you have to do, I won’t blame you if you cancel and I’m sure she won’t either, but remember that the only way to make something less hard is to face it.”

“Or ignore it and forget it ever existed.”

Thea laughed. “How’d that work out for you over the last five years?”

“Awesomely, thanks,” Felicity said stubbornly, frowning at the ceiling.

“Okay, well. It might be worth _one_ coffee, just as an experiment.”

“Yeah.” Felicity liked experiments. She could always make Sara leave after one coffee and _then_ ignore it and forget it ever existed. “Okay.”

“Text me if you need me. You want a rescue call?”

“Thanks, but no. Can’t lie to Sara.”

“No, of course not. Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you.”

“Thanks. Bye.” Felicity hung up, then immediately went back to her feeds, scrolling and reading so she didn’t have to think. There was nothing to think about, yet, no new information, just a lot of anxious worrying, which she began as soon as she put her phone down and tried to sleep. She was trying not to think about Sara, but her go-to bedtime daydream involved Sara, so she couldn’t use that, which just led to her thinking about actually seeing Sara again tomorrow.

Five years was a long time, a shockingly long time when she really thought about it. The strange thing was, her selective memory held more of Sara from before than it did of the last five years. It was easier to reach in and pluck out a memory of Sara for any prompt than it was for her to remember a specific day in the past week.

She remembered the day they met, in her social sciences distribution requirement, sophomore year of her undergrad at Starling City U, not the first day of classes but the third, when they had to pick groups for a presentation on the anthropological concept of their choice. Felicity had frozen in her seat, staring at the screen of her laptop, when someone tapped her on the shoulder from behind.

She’d turned, and there Sara was, that brilliant smile lighting up her face, head tilted to the side and hair hanging loose. Felicity had returned her smile automatically, smiling like she was made to do it, like she couldn’t count her smiles in a single week on one hand, and Sara had said, “Hey, wanna work with us?”

She hadn’t known who ‘us’ was, because she couldn’t take her eyes off Sara. She’d just nodded, and the rest of her life had begun.

It had taken them almost a year to start dating. They worked with Oliver on the project, started hanging out with him and sometimes Laurel, sometimes Thea, other people from their classes. Sara flirted, but she flirted with everyone, Felicity was pretty sure, and all Felicity could do was smile shyly and look down, which she knew wasn’t very encouraging but it wasn’t like Sara was actually interested anyway so it didn’t matter.

Oliver had been the one to ask Felicity out first, very politely but she’d never looked at him that way.

She’d glanced quickly across the table to where Sara and Laurel were talking quietly between themselves, and Oliver had muttered, “I knew it.” Then, at a normal volume, “Sara.”

Sara looked over, and Oliver gestured to Felicity, so Sara smiled at her, looking straight into her eyes, and Felicity had blurted out, “Date?” before slapping her hand over her face and shaking her head.

“What?” Sara said, and Oliver jumped in.

“Felicity wants to go on a date with you,” he said simply, not mocking or condescending, and Felicity had shot him a grateful glance before looking back at Sara.

“Basically,” she said, and Sara grinned, the tip of her tongue poking out between her teeth.

“I would love that,” she said, and Felicity grinned back, feeling like she must be dreaming, no way this could be real.

She never really figured out why Sara would want to be with her, but she knew that Sara felt the same way, and somehow they made it work. They both loved so fiercely, and Felicity never doubted that Sara’s feelings for her were real.

Sara was the one who taught her sign language in the first place. All of Felicity’s life, she’d been quiet, bookish, shy, which was tolerated to some extent, as long as she responded to teachers and her mom.

(“Answer me! Look at me! Felicity, I need you to use your words.”)

It was when she left for university, moved into the dorms with their dining halls, sat in classes so large you’d have to shout to be heard, that she became _silent_. Her roommate didn’t talk to her; she ate alone; she sat alone in classes. She didn’t know how to do anything else, and for the most part, she didn’t even realize she hadn’t spoken in days until someone actually spoke to her and she had to figure out how to use her voice again.

Then she met Sara, and Oliver, and Laurel, and Thea. She remembered what it was like to belong, to be around people who _wanted_ to hear her voice.

Still, though, there were times she fell back into silence, and Sara’s _first_ response to that was, “Have you ever thought about learning sign language?”

(“Answer me! Look at me! Felicity, I need you to use your words.”)

It was the first time in Felicity’s life that someone didn’t ask her to change, but offered her tools instead. Allowed her to stay in her silence if that was what she needed, but suggested a way to communicate. It was baffling.

Sara and Oliver had done their volunteer work during high school by helping out at a school for the deaf, and they learned what sign language they needed to get by. Sara taught her what she knew, then went online with her and studied at her side, so they’d always be able to check in with each other.

Felicity never had a choice but to love her, and she never stopped finding it incredible that Sara loved her back.

That was why it was so hard, when it ended. When Sara said, “I have to let you go, or I’m only going to hold you back,” she still had love in her eyes. Felicity couldn’t wrap her head around it. Sure, when she’d first gotten into MIT, she’d said she didn’t want to go, she didn’t want to leave Sara, but they’d talked about it and talked about it and Sara had said they’d visit, everything would be okay, they’d make it work.

Then Oliver had told Sara about a work program overseas, for people who’d graduated from post-secondary and didn’t know what to do next, and she’d said, “This will be better. You’ll be able to focus on your Master’s, and I’ll… figure things out. Figure myself out. It will be better, okay? You’re going to be fine.”

So Felicity had left for MIT and Sara had left for Haiti and Felicity had wept for what felt like months. And she had been fine, because MIT was her dream and she was living her dream. And she had been fine, because she had learned how to be alone in childhood and she had been fine alone and she would learn how to be fine alone again. And she had been fine, because she had no choice but to move forward.

Felicity came home from MIT, and Sara didn’t come home from Haiti, and Felicity continued moving forward alone. She stayed with her mom for a few months, and got a job in the IT department at Queen Consolidated, because it was the first job she was offered and it would be low-key and simple for the most part. She didn’t tell Thea or Oliver when she applied, so she was pretty sure she got the job on her own merits, although she was far overqualified for it.

She didn’t date, because she didn’t want to date, and she didn’t make friends at work, because she didn’t want to make friends at work. Thea became her best and only friend, both of them left behind and missing the ones who left them, although Felicity made few demands on her, both because Thea had a busy life of her own and because Felicity wanted to never forget how to be alone again.

At some point, she managed to fall into a fitful sleep, waking up feeling wrecked at 11am. She put on a pot of coffee and wandered around her small apartment, checking to see if anything needed straightening up. By 12pm, she was texting Sara, _I’m free now if you want to come a little early._

She wasn’t sure whether Sara would even be awake, though they’d left the party early, but her reply came a few minutes later: _Be there in ten._

Felicity was standing at the door with her hand on the knob when the knock made her jump, and she whipped open the door, startling Sara, who grinned and signed, “Hello,” with the hand that wasn’t holding a tray of coffees.

It was such a sweet gesture that Felicity smiled, even though she hadn’t planned on smiling at all today, even though Sara wasn’t _Sara_ anymore, but she just couldn’t help it. “Hi,” she said softly, stepping back and allowing Sara into the apartment. Taking the tray from her, Felicity set it down on the coffee table and sat down on the couch, knowing Sara would need to explore before she could sit down.

This apartment was as far from her college dorm as it was possible to get. When she’d moved into her first real independent adult home, she’d wanted to make it a welcoming place, not that she had people over. She’d wanted to have the _option_ of having people over, and if they came over they would say, “Wow, you have a beautiful home, Felicity.” That was the dream, so she’d scrolled Pinterest for hours, picking paint colours and buying furnishings that said _cozy_ to her, and then arranging them like they were in the photos.

It had been a success, if she could say so herself. Her mother had helped a lot, and then Felicity made her go away for a few days while Felicity put the finishing touches on, and when Donna had come back she’d cried and hugged Felicity and told her how proud she was of her grown-up daughter. Thea liked it, too, but most importantly Felicity herself felt good and warm when she was inside. She was proud of herself for accomplishing something outside of her wheelhouse, and she was happy that she could have guests over if she so chose. It was a good place to be alone, too.

“This place is really great, Felicity,” Sara said as she came to join her on the couch. “Did you do it all yourself?” Felicity nodded, and Sara said, “You did a good job,” and reached out to touch her hand.

Before she could think about it, Felicity had snatched her hand away, tucking both of them behind her back and pressing into the arm of the couch. When she looked up at Sara, she’d raised her eyes to the ceiling, tears lining her lower lid as she tried to blink them away, running her thumb under her lash line on either side to dry them.

“Thank you,” Felicity said belatedly, feeling horrendously guilty. Sara was safe, Sara would always be safe, and she would say that if she could but she couldn’t let her touch her, not when it hurt just to look at her.

“I don’t know where to start,” Sara said, her hands in her lap, and Felicity stared somewhere in the vicinity of her belly button. “I guess… all I can say is that I started a journey when I left five years ago, and I couldn’t come back until that journey was complete. I was, I mean, I never wanted to be in college, and my relationship… my relationships with everyone who wasn’t you were a mess. I wasn’t in a good place with my parents, or with Laurel, or even really with Oliver. I didn’t know what… what I wanted, and I needed to figure that out.”

“Okay,” Felicity said. “Did you?”

Sara paused, and when Felicity glanced up at her face she was frowning at Felicity, like she didn’t understand her. “I’m a lot closer,” she said finally. “I know I want to help women, and I might go back to school for social work. I know I need to find a way to balance helping other people without giving up everything I love. I know I need to be home, at least for a while.”

“Okay,” Felicity said again.

“What does ‘okay’ mean, Felicity?”

She paused, drawing the words together in her mind. “It means that I’ve heard and understood what you just said.”

“You understand?” Sara said, something like hope lifting her voice.

“I understand the _words_ ,” Felicity corrected, and Sara fell silent again, her lips wavering briefly before she pressed them together, tightening her jaw. Felicity swallowed hard, tensing her own jaw and squeezing her eyes shut, determined not to cry.

They sat in silence for a while, Felicity bringing her hands back to her lap and curling them into fists, and then Sara said softly, “Will you tell me a little bit about your life now?”

Shaking out her hands, Felicity took in a deep breath and blew it out slowly. She could do facts. Facts were simple. “I work in IT support at Queen Consolidated.” She tried to say ‘it’s a good job’ but it came out, “It’s a—it’s a—it’s a job.” _I can’t lie to Sara. No, of course not._ “It’s steady and dependable and people ask the same questions thirty times a day. Then I come back here and, um… stare at a computer some more.”

She reached a hand up to her glasses, pushing at the frame with a knuckle. “I’m sure it’s not helping this situation, but.” She didn’t have to explain that to Sara. “Code programs, code viruses to take down those programs, build computers, break down computers. I see my mom on Sundays and Thea whenever she doesn’t have anything better to do.” That was about it, so she stopped talking.

“You ever go on any dates?” Sara asked, and Felicity shook her head sharply, her ponytail hitting her cheeks. “Why not?”

“I like being alone.” At Sara’s doubtful hum, she shot back, “Did you?”

“Not exactly,” Sara said, and Felicity brought her hands up to cover her face, wishing she hadn’t said anything.

“I don’t want to know.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, I asked.”

“Well, I’m sorry if—“

“ _Don’t_ apologize if you wouldn’t take it back.”

Sara snapped her mouth shut and Felicity planted her elbows on her knees, head still in her hands. Then Sara sobbed, her hand flying up to cover her mouth, and Felicity stood up and walked into her bedroom and closed the door, crawling under the covers to the centre of her bed and curling into a tight ball, her forehead pressed to her knees and her arms wrapped around them.

She waited to hear the door open and close, then waited until it felt like she couldn’t breathe the air under the covers anymore, then got up and fixed her ponytail and walked out into the living room to find her phone. She opened up Sara’s texting window, typed, _Sorry I freaked out_ , then deleted it and switched to Thea’s window. _Not good_ , she sent, and her phone was buzzing a few seconds later.

“Hello.”

“Hey, girl. What happened?”

“She started crying and I got up and left the room.”

Thea paused. “Okay. Why did she start crying?”

“I told her not to apologize if she wouldn’t take it back. She explained why she stayed away so long and I know she thinks she had to do it so there’s no point to her apologizing to me if she would do it all over again.”

“Okay, sweetie. I think she just wants to apologize for hurting you.”

“I don’t want it. It doesn’t change what happened.”

“Right, but nobody can change what happened in the past, can they?”

“Correct.”

Silence; a stifled sigh. “Apologies aren’t so much about changing the past as they are about making a future possible. Do you want Sara to be in your future?”

“No.”

“Is that, ‘no, I don’t ever want to see or speak to Sara again,’ or, ‘no, I don`t want to risk getting hurt again’?”

Narrowing her eyes at the opposite wall, Felicity said, “You sound like the therapist my mom made me see when I was twelve.”

“That actually isn’t the worst—“

“Nope.” Pause. “Anyway, what’s the difference?”

Thea took a second to figure out where Felicity had jumped back to in their conversation, then said softly, “Felicity, do you really never want to see Sara again, ever?”

Trapping the sound deep in her throat, Felicity groaned. “I want to want that.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think I should apologize?” She knew what Thea would say, or rather not say, to that, so she went on, “Okay, fine, I will.”

They sat in companionable silence for a moment, then Thea said, “I’m going to have a few people over for a quieter welcome home this weekend. Please come.”

“Sara.”

“And Oliver, who I _think_ you might have once been friends with.”

Felicity hummed anxiously.

“Quiet. Small. Lots of extra rooms to hide in.”

“Okay.”

“Good. Now go text Sara.”

Felicity put her anxious hum and stifled groan together and Thea laughed, saying goodbye, so Felicity pulled up Sara’s texting window and sent, _Sorry for being rude._ She went back into her bedroom and changed into workout clothes, grabbing her headphones and heading downstairs for a run. As messages came in, she paused and ran in place to reply.

 **Sara:** _No need. I shouldn’t have gotten upset._

 **Felicity:** _I don’t really think that’s fair, Sara._

 **Felicity:** _Thea’s going to have a party._

 **Sara:** _Oh yeah?_

 **Felicity:** _She just told me. You’re invited._

 **Sara:** _And you?_

 **Felicity:** _Yes. I didn’t get to talk to Oliver on Friday._

 **Sara:** _I guess I’ll see you there, then._

 **Felicity:** _Yes._

Felicity put her phone away and finished her run and the next day she went to her mom’s for dinner like she did every Sunday.

“Sara’s back,” she said once dinner had arrived and she was poking at her favourite fried rice with no appetite.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Donna said, putting her own container down. “You’ve seen her?”

“She was at Thea’s opening and then she wanted to get coffee on Saturday. Explain herself.” Felicity shuddered, shaking her head.

“That didn’t help much, huh?”

“I guess she wants me to forgive her but I don’t know how to do that. Or how it would benefit me if I did. It’s not like I’m even angry about it. I don’t hate her. But I need to protect myself.”

“I don’t know, baby. Don’t you think it’ll be hard to pretend she’s not right around the corner? It might be harder to ignore her than it would be to spend time with her.”

Felicity thought about that, forcing herself to chew and swallow a few bites of food. “But at least if I don’t spend time with her then I don’t have to get used to her leaving again.”

“It’s still gonna hurt when she leaves, baby.”

“Maybe,” she conceded, deciding to think it over when she got home.

A pros and cons list.

Pros:  
\- get to spend time with Sara  
\- makes it less awkward to bump into her and see her at parties  
\- maybe forgive her  
\- get to spend time with Sara (counts twice)

Cons:  
\- hurts more when she leaves  
\- might embarrass self with overly strong feelings

She crumpled up the paper and threw it at the opposite wall. Those things never worked anyway.

Going to work was a relief, as familiar as her apartment and her flannel pyjamas, even if she did get distracted between every support request thinking about Sara and the situation she was in. When she caught herself, she turned back to the scratch pad she kept on her desk, thinking up random features and coding them by hand to keep her mind occupied.

The party was on Saturday and Felicity spent the day staring at the dual screens of her PC, typing almost non-stop until her alarm went off at 6pm and then changing into a dress and putting on a little makeup. She took an Uber to the Queen mansion, texting Thea, _I’m here_ , and waiting on the steps.

When Thea threw open the door, she had a pizza box in one hand and reached the other one out for a hug. “Did you eat?”

Felicity thought about her day and assessed her physical state. “I don’t think so.”

“Here,” she said, shoving the pizza box into Felicity’s hands and pointing her down a hallway.

Picking an empty room at random, Felicity sat and wolfed down half the pizza in about ten minutes. She sat there a bit longer, letting the calories process to her brain, then picked up the box and followed the sounds of conversation to the main family room.

Thea leapt up again when she walked in, taking the box and replacing it with a drink. Felicity smiled, and Thea nudged her into the space she’d just vacated, on the couch at Oliver’s side. He was leaning forward, talking to Laurel, and Sara was in an arm chair a little ways away, quiet until Thea joined her and then springing to life. Not that Felicity was looking. She hadn’t made eye contact with Sara, only glanced over the room before Oliver finished his sentence and turned to her.

“Felicity!” he said happily, reaching both arms out for a bear hug, and Felicity sighed into it, realizing how much she’d missed him. “How’s my favourite prodigy?”

“I missed you,” she said, leaning into his side and letting him keep one arm around her waist. Oliver had come home to visit more often than Sara had, which was easy when Sara never had, but it was always a visit, always temporary. “How long are you staying?”

“What did Sara say?” Oliver asked, and Laurel got up, excusing herself to join Thea and Sara’s conversation.

“Not much,” Felicity replied, taking a gulp of her drink. It was strong—Thea was always looking out for her. “Just that you didn’t have return tickets yet.”

“How was it, seeing her again?” He rubbed his hand over her back and she decided to let pass the fact that he’d neatly avoided answering the question.

“Did she tell you?”

He hummed noncommittally and she laughed, leaning her forehead against his jaw and turning her face away from the rest of the room.

“In a word, awful. Not that she did anything wrong. I’m just… bad.”

“Bad _at_ , maybe,” Oliver murmured. “Never bad.”

“Yeah, well.”

“It’ll get easier.”

“Will it, though?” She turned her face further, lowered her voice as far as it would go. “I’ve been in love with her my whole life. It can only get worse in her physical presence.”

“So love her,” Oliver whispered. “What’s the harm, if you’re going to do it anyway?”

“Everyone is giving me very bad advice this week.”

He laughed, his hand spanning the curve of her spine, and she sat back in the corner of the couch, gulping down the rest of her drink and looking across at the far side of the room, her gaze glancing over the other girls.

“Tell me something,” she said, and Oliver turned, facing her from the other corner of the couch. He told her about the dorms they lived in, bunk beds lining the rooms and torn shower curtains in the shared bathrooms. He told her about the other men, most of them still boys, none of whom stayed longer than a few months. How it wasn’t long before Oliver was the longest-running guy, showing new kids the ropes. How he felt himself growing up, finally, in an atmosphere where he had no choice but to.

When he trailed off, Felicity glanced across the room again, deciding she might as well go find a bathroom now. Bracing a hand on the arm rest, she stood, adjusting to her slightly fuzzy head from that one strong drink Thea had made her. She did a headcount, making sure no one else would be in the nearest one, then set off for it, somehow unsurprised when she opened the door after and found Sara leaning against the opposite wall.

Stepping out into the hall, Felicity waved back at the open door, but Sara shook her head so Felicity shut it, leaning against the wall on her side.

“Hi,” Sara said.

“Hello,” Felicity signed, and Sara’s eyebrows shot up.

“Are you—“

“No.” Felicity laughed a little, looking down. “Sorry. Just nervous.”

The hall was too wide for a conversation like this, so Sara pushed off and took a couple long strides forward, stopping with a good foot between them and her hands in her back pockets. Felicity straightened up, and before she could stop herself she’d reached out to touch Sara’s arm, her finger running down the inside of her forearm, and Sara gaped at her, letting her hand fall loose at her side.

Felicity rubbed her hand over the material of her dress, curled her fist tight around a handful of it, focusing on pressure and pain and then letting go and holding her hand out for Sara’s. It was soft and small and _Sara_ the same way it always had been, and Felicity swayed for a moment, letting herself fall back into the wall and incidentally tugging Sara with her so that she had to plant her other hand on the wall, half her body still bumping into Felicity’s.

“Hey,” Sara said softly.

“Sorry,” Felicity replied, though she wasn’t, not in that very moment. “Clumsy.”

“Mmhmm,” Sara hummed, keeping her head ducked low, and Felicity could see the muscle in her jaw tick so she nudged her back, two fingers at the corner of her hip, though when she tried to let go of her hand Sara just held on tighter.

Turning, Sara pressed her shoulder to the wall so that they were at a ninety degree angle, hands linked and arms touching. “I don’t know what to say,” she murmured, and Felicity hummed her agreement. “I see you with Oliver and I’m… jealous, I guess. I know there’s baggage, I mean, intellectually, I get it, but. I want to say I missed you but I know I’m not allowed. I want to say I’m happy to see you.” Her voice was rough, her head ducked low enough that Felicity couldn’t see if she was crying, though she suspected that she was.

“This is so hard, Sara,” Felicity said, her own voice rough and tears pricking the back of her eyes. “I don’t know how to make it easier for you.”

“That’s not your job. Maybe I shouldn’t have said any of that. I don’t want you to think this is easy for me but maybe that would… be better. For you.”

“I don’t know,” Felicity said honestly. “I don’t think anything would make this better.”

Sara nodded with her head down, and Felicity could see the tears now, dripping down between them. She lifted the back of her free hand to her face, snuffled against it, and Felicity sighed.

“Baby, come here,” she said, opening her arms, and Sara fell into them, wrapping her arms around Felicity’s back and shaking with a silent sob. “I don’t want you to be hurting. Tell me what to do.”

“It’s not fair,” Sara choked out, “you don’t owe me anything. Less than nothing.”

“It doesn’t matter. I can’t just… if there’s anything I can do, I’ll do it.”

“This helps,” Sara said, tightening her arms briefly before letting go and stepping back, twisting her hands together in front of her and staring at the floor. “I thought, um. I mean, if, um, optimistically…” She sighed. “We could have lunch. Next week.”

“Okay,” Felicity said, and Sara looked up, finally, her smile bright even on her tearstained face. “Yeah, lunch should be fine.” Sara just smiled at her for a moment and Felicity stared back, her stomach sinking as she realized how hopeless this was for her. She needed another drink. Two more drinks.

“I’ll just wash my face,” Sara said, reaching out and squeezing her hand one more time on the way past, and Felicity fell back against the wall once the door was closed behind her, putting her head in her hands and stifling a groan.


	2. Chapter 2

_What I feel now about you then, I’m just glad I can explain._   
_You’re beautiful and close and young—in those ways we were the same._   
_There’s a lot I’ve not forgotten, I let go of other things._   
_If I tried, they’d probably be hard to find._

When she walked back into the family room, three pairs of eyes turned to fix on her and she froze, eyes wide as she looked at each of them in turn.

After an endless minute, Oliver said, “It’s okay, Felicity,” and she started over to the drinks table.

“We were just talking!” she said far too loudly, grabbing a glass and filling it halfway with juice, trying to block it from view with her body as she filled the rest up with vodka. She went back to sit beside Oliver and added unnecessarily, “We were!” as Oliver patted his hand gently on her back.

Sara came back a minute later and Felicity gulped down her second drink, getting up for a third before the alcohol could hit her and then sipping on that one, getting more talkative over the next hour as Thea pulled out decks of cards and they all gathered around one coffee table, sitting on the rug. Her eyes found Sara’s more often than not, the intentional physical distance unintentionally making eye contact almost impossible to avoid.

So she stared, instead, watching the way Sara gnawed the lip gloss off her bottom lip and the way her right hand fluttered up to tuck her hair behind her ear every time she caught Felicity looking and the way her eyes flicked to Felicity’s and away and neither of them were paying attention to the game, Felicity naming the actual cards she was putting down when it was her turn to lie.

The third time it happened, Felicity sighed in exasperation and put her cards down, announcing, “I’m gonna go pee,” and stumbling once she was on her feet, making her way to the bathroom with a single-minded focus. On her way back, she found Sara waiting at the front door, Felicity’s phone in one hand and her own in the other.

“I called an Uber,” she said.

“I can—“ Felicity started, and then waved her hand dismissively. “No I can’t. Okay.” She set her sights on Sara, stalking forward, and grumbled when Sara tugged open the front door at the last second, slipping outside. Felicity followed, and Sara side-stepped repeatedly, keeping just out of reach. “Sara,” she almost whined. “I’m going to fall over.”

Rolling her eyes, Sara stopped at the edge of the steps, holding out her arm and letting Felicity step into it. “I doubt that,” she said, but planted her feet and shifted her weight, allowing Felicity to melt into her side for the few minutes before the car arrived.

The ride passed in silence, but this time when the car stopped outside her building Felicity said, “Walk me up,” in a tone that brooked no argument before she clambered out of the car and waited on the sidewalk, taking Sara’s arm as she returned her focus to not tripping over her own feet. Inside the apartment, she collapsed onto the couch with a sigh of relief and Sara headed for the fridge, returning with three bottles of water that she lined up on the coffee table in front of Felicity.

“Thank you,” Felicity said brightly, patting the cushion to her side and inviting Sara to sit down.

Shifting her jaw, Sara narrowed her eyes, looking from the cushion to Felicity and back again, and Felicity knew Sara was on to her. She knew her _so well_ , and neither of them had changed _that_ much, even if Felicity wanted sometimes to think they had.

Felicity played innocent, grabbing one of the water bottles and opening it, ignoring Sara and gulping at the ice cold liquid. “Ow,” she said a moment later, having quickly given herself brain freeze, and she set the bottle back down, hunching over and pressing her fingers to her temples.

Sara sighed, coming to sit beside her and putting one hand on her back. “Press your tongue to the roof of your mouth,” she said, and Felicity did as she was told, gradually straightening up and then picking up the bottle to take a more judicious sip.

She leaned on the arm rest, continuing to ignore Sara until she’d relaxed back into the couch and then smiling to herself, holding the bottle in one hand and screwing the top back on with the other. Reaching forward, she lined the bottle carefully back up with its brothers, then turned and in one motion, planted that hand on Sara’s thigh and swung her far leg around and up onto the cushion on the other side of Sara, kneeling over her lap and settling down.

“Felicity,” Sara warned, and Felicity smiled again, her eyes on Sara’s lips.

“Yep.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Mmhmm.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay.”

“ _Felicity_ ,” she said again, and Felicity met her eyes, tipping her head down and opening hers wide.

“ _Sara_ ,” she said back. “May I please have one kiss, please please please. This might be my only chance.”

Sara closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath and blowing it back out, and Felicity swept her hands from Sara’s shoulders up her neck, under her hair to cup her jaw. “You won’t hate me in the morning?” Sara asked, and Felicity bit her bottom lip, shaking her head far too many times.

“No,” she said, when Sara didn’t open her eyes, and Sara shrugged, smoothing her hands up Felicity’s back to her shoulder blades. She nodded, and Felicity’s lips curled up, her eyes closing as she leaned in and fit her mouth to Sara’s. Running her tongue over Sara’s lower lip, she sucked gently on it and hummed and Sara let out the softest little moan, opening her mouth and meeting Felicity’s tongue with her own.

Felicity’s hands moulded to Sara’s jaw and she tilted her head, sucking the same way on Sara’s tongue and groaning, shifting forward and pressing her torso to Sara’s, lapping at her mouth as Sara whimpered deep in her throat.

Brushing her thumbs over the skin just under Sara’s jaw, Felicity remembered how delicious it was and moved her mouth there, sucking at the delicate skin and soothing it with her tongue.

“Felicity,” Sara gasped, and Felicity murmured back, “Baby,” against her skin.

“Felicity,” she said again, and Felicity murmured again, “My baby.”

“Felicity, I’m not going to push you off.”

Right.

Fuck.

Squeezing her eyes tighter shut, Felicity dipped her chin, tucking her face against the curve of Sara’s neck and kind of wanting to stay there, kind of wanting to jump out the window. “Sorry,” she whispered, shuffling off of Sara’s lap and directly into the corner of the couch, face-down.

“Hey,” Sara said softly, turning with her and keeping one hand flat on her back. “You’re just drunk, that’s all. Everything’s fine, okay?”

“No,” Felicity said into the couch. “I’m going to die.”

“You’re not allowed to die. We’re having lunch next week.”

“No. I’ll never see your face again. I’m dead.”

“Drink your water, go to sleep, and call me tomorrow.”

“No.”

“Yes.” Sara leaned forward and pressed her lips to Felicity’s shoulder blade, rubbing her hand up and down once. “Call me tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Sara left and Felicity stumbled to her bed, not drinking her water or changing her clothes or taking her makeup off, and passed out on top of the covers. At 4am, she woke up to pee and chugged one of the bottles of water, bringing another one back to her night table along with her phone.

She still woke up feeling pretty lousy, grimy and cotton-mouthed and sore, and she didn’t move as she cast her mind back over the night, groaning as she realized she remembered everything with perfect clarity. Although, admittedly, she didn’t regret kissing Sara. It really might have been her only chance, and you really only got one drunken pass on kissing your ex. Or something. Hopefully.

Unlocking her phone, she pulled up Sara’s texting window and sighed, groaned again, scrunched up her face and finally sent a simple, _Ugh._

 **Sara:** _Did you drink your water?_

 **Felicity:** _No!_

 **Felicity:** _That would require actually having some sense of self-preservation._

 **Felicity:** _I’m sorry I begged._

 **Felicity:** _Not a good look on anyone._

The wait for a reply was endless, staring up at the ceiling and tapping her fingers on the back of her phone.

 **Sara:** _Can I call you?_

Felicity hit the call button instead, and it rang once before Sara picked up.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“I do. You didn’t have the option to say no, and that’s all kinds of icky. It won’t happen again.”

A long pause, and then Sara said softly, “If I wanted to say no, I would have. Okay? If I didn’t want to kiss you, you would have known it.”

Felicity took a deep breath, closing her eyes. “That doesn’t make it fair.”

“We’re going to have to retire that word.” Sara sighed. “Please don’t feel bad. I—you—“ She stopped, making a frustrated sound, and tried again. “I trust you unconditionally, and you’ve never given me a reason to doubt that. You asked, and I said yes. There’s nothing more to it.”

Felicity hummed, primarily because she seemed to have forgotten how to breathe, and Sara’s voice dropped further, low and smooth and making Felicity swallow hard when she said, “Do you regret it?”

“Just embarrassed,” Felicity said, which definitely did not answer the question. “If you’re sure you’re okay, we can forget it happened?”

Sara’s turn to hum. “I won’t mention it again,” she said, which Felicity noticed _also_ did not answer the question.

It was strange, because she’d had dreams—more dreams than she could count, really—about kissing Sara, in all sorts of contexts, and as much as she wanted to say the dreams were all within the first year without her, it wasn’t even nearly true. Plagued with these dreams, and now that it’d really happened, it still felt like a dream, fuzzy at the edges and a bit surreal.

“Can I say one thing?” Sara asked, and Felicity made a questioning noise. “It was a good kiss.”

Felicity breathed a laugh. “That’s one thing that hasn’t changed.”

“One of many,” Sara murmured, and Felicity stopped breathing again.

She squeezed her eyes shut, pulled her lips into her mouth and bit down, then took a careful breath and said, “What day for lunch?”

“How’s Thursday?”

“Fine. I’ll see you then.” She hung up and went to pee, then crawled back into bed and closed her eyes, replaying the kiss four or five times before finally groaning and reaching one hand down into her underwear. Even if kissing Sara had felt like coming home, felt almost like those five years had never come between them, the difference in her memories was distinct, the newer sensations full and lush compared to the ones she’d already turned over in her mind a hundred times.

She could come just from remembering the kiss, she knew, Sara’s mouth warm and wet and pliant against her own, but she imagined that mouth tracing the same paths her fingers were and shuddered, whimpering as she pictured Sara’s head between her legs, Sara’s hands caressing her thighs, her fingertips dancing lightly over the sensitive skin leading up the insides before joining her mouth.

She came with another groan and then curled up on her side, pulling her knees up and cradling her hands close to her stomach. She tried not to cry, blinked rapidly against the tears, but the sense of loss was aching and she gasped against it. Knowing that Sara was just at the other end of a phone call, within reach, and if Felicity asked, maybe she would do exactly what Felicity had imagined… but she wouldn’t ask. She couldn’t ask.

They were, they, they would be friends, or something like it, and they would… have lunch, and Felicity wouldn’t cross that line again. Friends, or maybe acquaintances, and it would still hurt when she left, but not as much. She would be prepared. Just friends. Just barely friends. Hardly anything at all.

That was what she told her mom at dinner the next day, and what she told Thea when she texted asking about the night before. _I guess we’ll be friends, or something. It’s fine._

She went to work and tried to pretend she wasn’t counting down the days until Thursday, counting down the hours Thursday morning, but when Sara walked into her office she looked up with a surprised, genuine smile.

“How did you get in here?”

Sara tilted her head, smiling that smile of hers, and fluttered her eyelashes. “You doubt my charm?”

“ _That_ I would never dare to do,” Felicity replied, getting up and rounding the desk. She stopped in front of Sara, who was holding the handle of a large bag in one hand, the bag’s long strap slung across her chest, and the muscles in the load-bearing arm standing out noticeably. Reaching out with one hand, Felicity traced the tip of her index finger along the lines and said, “Where did these come from?”

“Five years of manual labour,” Sara replied, raising her other arm and flexing it in a classic strongman pose. “You like ‘em?”

Felicity made a sound of some sort that she hoped came across as noncommittal as her mind went all kinds of dirty places, not least of all wondering what other muscles Sara was hiding under that t-shirt. She walked out of the office preoccupied by her thoughts and didn’t realize until they hit the elevators that she’d automatically taken Sara’s free hand, linking their fingers. She spent the wait for the elevator trying to decide whether it would be more awkward to shake her hand free or to just keep holding onto Sara’s.

When Felicity glanced at Sara’s face, she was staring straight ahead, her lips pursed against a smile, and Felicity rolled her eyes, tugging Sara into the elevator when the doors opened and pressing the lobby button with her free hand. She tucked into the back corner of the elevator as it filled up with others, and flicked a hand at the bag Sara was carrying.

“Need a hand with that?”

“Does it look like I need a hand with it?” Sara replied, smug, and Felicity got distracted by staring at her muscles again.

“No need to brag,” she said distractedly, and she’d thought lunch would be relatively minefield-free but all she could think about now was wrapping her hands around those biceps and feeling them flex as Sara… She was staring into space, alternating licking her lips and scraping her teeth over them, when Sara leaned forward, pulling her from her daze.

“Stop that,” Sara murmured, and Felicity blinked at her, widening her eyes and trying to look innocent. “Unless you want to find a closet somewhere and…”

 _Yes, please._ “No.” She turned her face, staring resolutely at the button panel and clenching her jaw. “We’re having lunch.”

“Mmhmm,” Sara hummed, reaching her hand out—and Felicity must have let go of it at some point while she was distracted—to brace against the wall, cutting straight through Felicity’s eyeline, and thank God the elevator reached the lobby because Felicity was about to have an aneurysm.

“Where are we going, anyway?” Felicity asked, grabbing Sara’s hand again on instinct and then sighing internally. It helped, in this case, since Sara had to lead them out of the bustling lobby and across a street, through a small thruway between two buildings and into a courtyard of some sort with squares of grass, trees, paths, and benches.

Felicity stopped at the threshold, gaping at the existence of a place like this that she’d never even considered a possibility in the crush that was downtown. Sara stepped forward, choosing one of the squares of grass and finally setting her bag down, pulling out a blanket first and spreading it over the grass. Walking slowly over to join her, Felicity said, “How’d you find this place?” in a hushed tone, like they were in a church.

“Before we enrolled at SCU,” Sara said, taking things out of her bag and arranging them on the blanket, “I was fucking around and Oliver was trying to turn himself into a corporate drone. I would bring him lunch, and I… wandered. It’s pretty good, right?”

“It’s amazing, Sara.” She knelt on the blanket, picking up and putting down the things Sara was setting out, sandwiches and veggies and iced tea and… potato salad? “Where’d you order this?”

Sara fidgeted for a moment, moving things about on the blanket, tucking her hair behind her ear, and then she said, “My kitchen?”

Sitting back on her heels, Felicity looked at Sara and saw the girl she’d been on their first few dates, confident in herself but shy about how others might react to her. She had come back wearing her skin more comfortably, her spine straighter and her chin higher, defiant in a way that was wasn’t a rebellion or a statement but a necessity—but she was nervous now. Nervous around Felicity.

“More than just manual labour, then,” Felicity said as she picked up a sandwich and unwrapped it, looking away from Sara and studying the closest tree.

Relaxing a little, Sara finally settled on the blanket, picking up her own sandwich. “We rotated through jobs. The dorms provided meals, so a few of us were always in the kitchen with Maia. We would clean, too… build, paint, fix things… play soccer with the kids when we had a free minute, instead of eating lunch most days.”

“Is there anything you can’t do?”

“I never learned to swim,” Sara said after a moment, and shrugged sheepishly when Felicity stared at her. “I fell in a neighbour’s pool when I was really little and after that my parents couldn’t force me to take lessons. It never really came up.”

“We… I mean… the ocean?”

“The beach,” Sara countered. “It’s not a big deal.”

“No,” Felicity agreed. If things were normal between them, she would offer to teach Sara. It would be fun. But they weren’t, so she let it go at that, eating her sandwich.

“I’ve been talking to Laurel,” Sara said a bit later. “Trying to figure out what credentials I’ll need to do what I want to do. Looks like I can get a Master’s in social work with the Bachelor’s I already have. Two more years of school.”

Felicity looked at her, eyebrows drawing together. “That’s a lot of work.”

Staring down at the tub of baby carrots she held in one hand, Sara shook it, watching the carrots rattle around with a half-smile. “I’m sick of giving advice and support and not being able to do anything. If I can… make a change in one life… it’ll be worth it.”

Felicity just blinked at her for a moment, aching. She was so soft for Sara, always would be, and she wanted more. Wanted Sara to be hers again. “So you’ll be here for two years,” she said numbly, “and then back?”

“I’m not sure. That’s a little far to plan.”

“Right.” Felicity despised uncertainty. Couldn’t stand open ends. Liked to know exactly what she was getting into. She stole a carrot and crunched on it, glaring down at the blanket, and Sara sighed but didn’t say anything. When they walked back to the building, Felicity kept her hands to herself, stopping and facing Sara to thank her for lunch and then heading back upstairs alone.

As soon as she got home after work she crashed on the couch and texted Thea, _Downloading Tinder._

 **Thea:** _Oh my God_

 **Thea:** _Lunch went well then?_

 **Felicity:** _I don’t want to talk about it._

 **Thea:** _Okay, hang on_

 **Thea:** _I don’t trust you on tinder_

 **Thea:** _Let me set you up_

 **Felicity:** _Yeah, okay_

 **Thea:** _Boy or girl?_

 **Felicity:** _Boy_

 **Felicity:** _For now_

 **Thea:** _I’ll work my magic_

Two hours later, she texted again. _SC Zoo on Saturday?_

 **Felicity:** _Holy shit_

 **Felicity:** _You work fast_

 **Thea:** _Can’t give you time to change your mind_

 **Thea:** _2pm?_

 **Felicity:** _Okay_

 **Felicity:** _Rescue call?_

 **Thea:** _Yes ma’am. 30 or 60 min?_

 **Felicity:** _Better make it 30. Where do you know this guy from?_

 **Thea:** _Delivery guy for the club. Super nice, clean, talks about his mom_

 **Felicity:** _High standards_

 **Thea:** _If you give him half a chance and you don’t like him I’ll try harder next time_

 **Felicity:** _Okay okay_

 **Felicity:** _Thank you_

 **Felicity:** _I think_

 **Felicity:** _We’ll see_

 **Thea:** _You’re oh so very welcome_

Saturday morning, Thea showed up at Felicity’s door with her sunglasses on top of her head and the halter of her bikini showing through her top, and Felicity rolled her eyes and went into her bedroom to change. She did this every so often, and it was generally understood to be the only time Felicity didn’t mind a surprise.

Of course, this time when they got downstairs Sara and Oliver were waiting in the car, and Felicity stopped in her tracks for a moment, shooting a glare Thea’s way once she realized she couldn’t back out without being rude.

Getting in the back with Sara, Felicity flashed her a smile and looked away, saying, “Hey guys.”

Oliver drove them to their favourite beach and they all set up their towels and sprayed on sunscreen, then Oliver and Thea headed into the water and Felicity sent another glare at Thea’s back.

Even in groups, Sara and Felicity always ended up together, walking side-by-side and laying their towels down beside the other. It must be habit, but what the hell kind of habit stayed the same after five years? Felicity would claim an intention to break it, but the truth was the more distance there was between them the more her insides itched. When she couldn’t see her, it was different—still there, but different—but when they were in the same physical space, well. It was what it was.

Glancing over, she saw Sara staring down the beach, like she was looking for something or saw someone she knew, her sunglasses hiding her eyes. Felicity pushed her own sunglasses up a bit, squinting in the same direction for a second before saying, “What’s up?”

“This is weird,” Sara said, and Felicity looked around again, seeing a pretty standard day on the beach. Blinding sun, people lying out, beach volleyball, tons of carefree energy—hm.

“Culture shock?” Felicity asked, and Sara looked back at her, smiling gratefully.

“Yeah. It’s everywhere, but this… this is completely foreign.”

“Are you gonna be able to enjoy yourself?”

“Sure,” Sara said, turning to look over the water.

Felicity watched her for another second, then said, “Let’s go swim,” before catching herself and smiling a little. “I mean, wade?”

Sara looked back at her, her lips twisting up in a wry smile. “Wading it is.”

They walked into the water, searching for Oliver and Thea and heading in what was hopefully their direction. Once they were reunited, the four of them just chilled in the waist-deep water, letting mild waves push them around a bit.

Some kids from the university were playing with a beach ball a few feet away, smacking it more than throwing it and sending it careening wildly away from wherever it was meant to go. After it landed in one of their faces one too many times, Sara stood up and grabbed the ball, marching over to one of the boys and talking to him.

While she was doing that, a different boy sidled up beside Felicity and slipped an arm around her waist, watching Sara and saying, “Your friend’s pretty badass for being so small.”

Felicity flinched, stepping away from him and starting to back up. She felt Oliver’s hand on her back, but before he could do anything Sara was back and stepping in front of the boy, standing way too close and tilting her head to look up at him, the tip of her index finger pressed to his chest.

“Did you just put your hands on her?”

The guy backed up a step, holding his hands out to the side in an innocent gesture. “I was just being friendly.”

Sara matched his step, pressing her finger harder into his muscle. “Oh yeah? You think she liked that? Do you think she wanted a strange man she’s never met before touching her?”

He glanced at Felicity, then up at Oliver standing firm at her back, and back to Sara, who didn’t let up on the pressure until he finally said, “Jesus—“ and smacked her hand away.

Before he could make contact, Sara had a grip on his hand, twisting it around behind his back and holding it there as he yelped.

“Fuck! Let go, let go!”

“I’ll let go if you promise not to put your hands on girls you don’t know.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he said, then yelped again as Sara tugged at his hand. “Fine, God, I promise, fucking let go.”

Sara did, stepping back and putting her hands on her hips with a sweet smile as the boy straightened up and stared at her, backing away. “Have a nice day!” she said, waving, as he joined his friends and they started making fun of him for letting a tiny girl kick his ass.

Walking back over to Felicity, Sara held her hand out and Felicity took it, staring at her almost as incredulously. “Are you okay?” Sara said, and Felicity shook her head.

“I’m fine. That was… a little much, don’t you think?”

“Nah.” Sara looked back over her shoulder, grinning when she saw that the guys were still huddled up, sneaking glances at her. She looked back at Felicity, squeezing her hand. “It was a lesson he needed to learn.”

“Did you hurt him?”

“Nope. I mean, I caused him pain, but I didn’t damage anything.” Felicity was still staring, and Sara took a step forward, her face falling a little. “Did I scare you? I don’t have to do it again if you don’t like it.”

Felicity considered that. Did Sara scare her? No. Sara could never scare her. Did the show of strength and protectiveness turn her on to an insane degree and make her wish, yet again, that she and Sara weren’t stuck in this awkward limbo? Yeah. Definitely.

“Um,” Felicity said, letting her eyes drop and licking her lips. “No. That’s okay. You can… you can do that again. It’s, um. Fine. Really fine. Do not even worry about it.”

Sara took another step forward, tilting her head until Felicity met her eyes again, and then she smiled. “You don’t mind me hulking out?”

Felicity shook her head rapidly, eyes wide, and Sara squeezed her hand again before letting go and moving back to a respectable distance. Only then did Felicity notice that Oliver was gone, and she glanced around to see him and Thea a few feet away, ostensibly giving them privacy, though the second Felicity looked over Thea looked back and gave her a Look. Felicity rolled her eyes and flopped back into the water, sinking to the bottom and staying down as long as she could.

By the time she got home, Felicity was exhausted, and she took a quick shower to rinse off the sand and salt before crawling into bed and passing out for a few hours. The whole… encounter made her both more and less motivated to make this date work, but she was leaning into the _more_ and trying to block out the _less_.

The guy’s name was Barry (or “Barry. Allen.” as he introduced himself), and he was a kind of nerdy-cute that a different Felicity would definitely have found appealing. He was cheerful, and talkative, and brought flowers, which was sweet even if it meant Felicity had to walk around the zoo carrying a weird armful of flowers. He let Felicity set the pace and choose the animals, but had a slightly-weird factoid for every animal in the zoo, apparently.

Thea’s rescue call came and went, but Felicity was pretty sure this was not the guy who was going to get offended if she told him she was tired in another hour, so she floated along, looking at the animals and absorbing his factoids and enjoying the weather.

When they decided to stop for a snack, Barry told her to sit down while he ordered the food and brought it to her, and Felicity took the opportunity to check her phone. One text from Thea ( _Bow chicka wow wow… just trying to be encouraging._ ) and one from Sara ( _Good seeing you this morning. Lunch again next week?_ ) and Felicity was letting the dread of the latter fill her as Barry carried their food over.

He set down the food, chattering away about something, and Felicity thanked him with a tight smile. They ate in relative silence for a few minutes, and then he said, “Am I… taking you away from something?” He gestured to her phone, which she realized she had a death grip on as she ate with her other hand.

“No… sorry. There’s a…” She sighed and shook her head. “It’s complicated.”

“That’s not what you want to hear on a first date, no offense,” he said gently, smiling, “but if you want to talk, I do have two good ears.”

“Like I said, complicated.” She paused, frowning at him, and he motioned with a hand for her to continue. “Well… let’s say you had an ex who went away for… five years. There were circumstances, but not extenuating ones. It was essentially their choice to go. So five years later, they come back, they want to be friends, or something, but they keep crying on you and holding your hand and making you lunch. And there was a kiss.” She stared at him, staring back at her, his eyebrows climbing towards his hairline. “What do you do?”

“Okay…” He looked away, squinting across the patio, and took a long sip of his drink. Swirling the liquid around in his cup, he looked back at her and asked, “Do you love them?”

“I should mention that they probably, ninety percent certainty, are going to leave again. In two years or more or less than that.”

“Is that your answer?”

Felicity blew out a breath, letting her own eyebrows climb. “Kind of?”

“Okay,” he said again, taking a bite of his burger and chewing thoughtfully. “I mean, I can only answer this from my own perspective. Which is kind of a hopeless romantic, sucker for love, completely emasculated perspective.”

“You think I should go for it.”

“I think that if there’s love there, on both sides, and the relationship didn’t end cleanly… I dunno, I think you’re going to regret it if you don’t at least try.”

“Even though she’s gonna leave in two years.”

“I mean…” He paused, did a double-take, then said, “You don’t know what’s going to happen in two years. What if she doesn’t leave and you’ve wasted two years?”

That got her right in the gut, and she said, “Ouch,” out loud, staring at her food. “You know, not one single person has told me what I want to hear.”

“Hmmm,” he said, in a way that wasn’t thoughtful at all. Pointed, in fact.

“ _Or_ ,” she said, like he’d stated his implication outright, “maybe I’m the only sane person left in this town.”

“Yeah, that’s usually the outcome when no one else agrees with your perception of reality. You’re definitely the sane one.”

“Hey,” she laughed, smacking him lightly on the arm. “I’m going to tell Thea you’re casting aspersions on me our very first date. See who she sets you up with next.”

“Well, no offense, but her suggestions haven’t worked out that well thus far.” He was beaming as he said it, and Felicity was surprised to feel like she might have just made a friend.

He walked her back to her car, and they traded numbers, acknowledging that while they wouldn’t be dating, it might be nice to grab coffee or a drink sometime. Felicity actually drove home feeling pretty good, and found a vase for the flowers as soon as she walked in the door, taking a picture with her phone and uploading it to Facebook with the caption, _Met a sweet guy today_.

Before Thea could see it, she texted her, _Good pick, but we’re gonna be friends. One of us has a little prior baggage to deal with._

 **Thea:** _He talked about his mom the whole time? Okay, you were right, I need to raise my standards_

 **Felicity:** _You’re hilarious_

 **Felicity:** _I really love you, though_

 **Thea:** _Love you too, chica. Call her?_

 **Felicity:** _Got some thinking to do, or you could just kill me_

 **Thea:** _Put that big brain to use. I have faith in you_

 **Felicity:** _Blugh_

She made dinner and ate it on the couch, ruminating, and was in same place several hours later when she got a text from Sara.

 **Sara:** _H_

 **Sara:** _How was your date_

 **Sara:** _?_

 **Felicity:** _Are you okay?_

 **Sara:** _Might be a little_

 **Sara:** _Drunk_

 **Felicity:** _Where are you?_

 **Sara:** _Some bar_

 **Felicity:** _Can I come get you?_

 **Sara:** _I walked here and I can walk home_

 **Felicity:** _Can I please come get you_

The next message was the name of a bar near Sara’s parents’ place, and Felicity grabbed her keys and hurried down to her car.


	3. Chapter 3

_I don’t know why we had to lose the ones who took so little space._  
_We’re still waiting for the years to cover what we can’t erase._  
_I’m not holding out for you, I’m still watching for the signs._  
_If I tried, you’d probably be hard to find._

By the time she got to the bar, Sara was leaning against a brick wall half a block down, out of the cloud of smoke at the bar’s entrance, and Felicity stopped in front of her, rolling down the passenger side window.

“Sara,” she said, and Sara looked up, squinting across the space between them and then pushing off the wall, walking over slowly. When she’d slumped into the passenger seat, running her hands over the interior of the car, Felicity said a bit too sharp, “You shouldn’t be out there alone.”

“I’ve never seen this car,” Sara said in reply, and Felicity sighed, pulling away from the curb.

“I got it when I came back here.”

“You can just take me home.”

“I’m already halfway to my place. I can turn around or you can just sleep there tonight.”

Sara didn’t say anything, staring out the window, so Felicity carried on, parking back in her usual spot and rounding the car as Sara was climbing out.

“Do you need to lean on me?” she asked, motioning to her arm, and Sara eyed her like she was a grenade about to go off.

“I shouldn’t have texted you,” Sara said, making her way in the direction of the elevators, and Felicity flinched.

“Sorry. I can still take you home.”

Sara just pressed the button for the elevator, walking on and leaning against the back wall when the doors opened. She followed Felicity into the apartment, dropping down onto the couch while Felicity got three water bottles from the kitchen and lined them up on the coffee table in front of her. Felicity sat in the opposite corner of the couch and Sara laid her head down on the back cushion, staring at her.

"How was your date?"

"You don't really want to know, do you?" Felicity asked softly.

"Course," Sara said, her eyes dropping away from Felicity's. "I want you to be happy."

"Well, it was very nice. Barry's a good guy and Thea's a good matchmaker."

"Oh." Sara pressed her lips together, blinking hard, and Felicity watched her with eyebrows drawing together. "You'll see him again, then."

"Yeah, for sure. As friends."

Sara's eyes darted back up to Felicity's and she frowned, their expressions nearly matching. "But you said—“

Shrugging, Felicity said, "The timing is wrong. He'll make a good friend."

"I thought the timing would be perfect," Sara said bitterly, her eyes dropping again and her mouth shifting to the side. "Sara's back, time to start dating, right?"

"You'd think," Felicity said jokingly, but Sara was too morose for jokes. "I thought you wanted me to be happy?"

Swallowing hard, Sara nodded, her mouth curving down as far as it would go.

Felicity watched her for a moment, then said quietly, "Why were you getting drunk alone?"

"For a good time," Sara said bleakly, closing her eyes, and Felicity shifted forward on the couch, stroking her fingertips over the side of her face. Sara stayed still for a moment, letting her, and then jerked her head back an inch, saying, "Don't."

"Sorry," Felicity said softly, going back to her corner. "What happened, Sara? I thought we were making progress."

"You went on a date."

"We aren't together. Why is it a problem?"

Sara blinked open her eyes, staring straight into Felicity's, wide and vulnerable and slightly bewildered. "Acknowledging that I'm pretty drunk?" she asked, and Felicity nodded. "I know I'm not allowed to want you. I'm not allowed to apologize or tell you I love you or ask you not to date other people. I know all of that and I accept it because I hurt you, I left you, and—I'm not allowed to apologize, I know, I know. But I can't be honest without telling you that I'm sorry, that I love you, that I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Everything else is a lie and I hate lying to you."

She was crying again and Felicity realized that she was too, squeezing her eyes shut and pressing her head to the back of the couch, her hands curled into fists in her lap.

“Sara, please,” she said brokenly, and a moment later the cushion dipped beside her, Sara’s arms coming around her, and they clung to each other in silence, both of them weeping without a sound.

“I shouldn’t have texted you, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You can be honest with me.”

“I shouldn’t. It doesn’t help.”

“It might,” Felicity said faintly, rubbing her hand up and down Sara’s back. “Sara, I don’t want to say anything you might not remember tomorrow. Can we talk in the morning?”

“You promise?” Sara mumbled against her neck, and Felicity reached her hand up to stroke over Sara’s hair.

“Yeah, baby. We’ll sleep in my bed, okay?”

“I love you.”

“I know, baby. It’s okay. You wanna drink your water?” Still clinging to Felicity, Sara shook her head, and Felicity said, “Just drink one, okay? I’m gonna change and grab you some PJs. By the time you finish one I’ll be back.” She eased away and Sara curled up against the back of the couch, keeping her head low. Felicity ran her hand over Sara’s hair again, reaching for a water bottle with her other hand and passing it over.

She sighed, her heart aching at the sight, and leaned over to press a kiss to the top of Sara’s head.

Then she changed, brushed her teeth, washed her face, and came back out into the living room, drawing Sara up from the couch by the hand, guiding her to the bathroom where she’d left PJs for her. Sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting, Felicity thought about love. She’d never loved anyone else; for her, love _was_ Sara. Was, had been, and she still didn’t know if that was salvageable. But love was Sara, and Sara was love, and if there was a chance, she had to take it.

Fuck. She never thought five years of _moving on_ would ever come back to this.

The bathroom door opened and Sara hovered on the threshold, her face low and her hair a screen.

“Come on,” Felicity said, and Sara came straight to her, climbing up on the bed and tucking into her side, and Felicity couldn’t help but smile. “In the bed, baby.”

“Sorry,” she mumbled into Felicity’s shoulder. “Sorry, I’m drunk.”

Felicity wrapped one arm around Sara and used the other to pull back the covers, standing up and urging her under the blankets, and then instead of letting her circle the bed and get in on the other side Sara just pushed back toward the middle, tugging Felicity into her arms, and Felicity went easily.

Tucking her head under Felicity’s chin, Sara wrapped her arms around her and whispered, “I love you.”

Felicity closed her eyes, aching, praying that the morning would bring something real, either crossing lines or darkening them but escaping from this limbo she couldn’t bear. “Go to sleep,” she whispered back, and Sara sighed, gradually going limp in her arms. She spent another hour staring into the dark of her room, loving her, before finally falling asleep.

In the morning, Felicity woke alone, and it felt like something had physically knocked the wind out of her. She rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling, before very slowly walking through the rest of her apartment and confirming that, yes, Sara was gone. After finding her phone, she crawled back into her bed and pulled the covers up over her head.

It smelled very distinctly of Sara, and she pulled up her text window first.

**Felicity:** _Sara_

She hit call, let it ring once, then ended the call.

**Felicity:** _We were going to talk?_

She hit call again; it went straight to voicemail. Fuck.

Switched to Thea’s window, sent _Help_ , and her phone was buzzing within seconds.

“Hey.”

“What’s up?”

“Have you heard from Sara?”

“She texted me yesterday—“

“Yeah, me too, drunk alone at a bar. I brought her back here and she said she loved me, started crying, so I said we’d talk about it in the morning and she left before I woke up and she’s turned her phone off,” Felicity rattled off rapidly.

“Oh God, okay, give me a second.”  

Felicity burrowed further under the blankets, pressing the phone to her ear and listening to silence at the other end.

“Listen, I’m sure everything’s fine. She might be freaking out a little because she thinks she crossed a line or whatever, but I’ll grab Ollie and we’ll go look around a bit. Just, um… let us worry about it, try to occupy yourself, you can’t do anything to help right now, okay?” That last was said gently, and Felicity blew out a careful breath.

“Yeah, okay. Just text me updates, please?”

“Of course. Go hang out with your mom.”

She did, unloading everything that had happened since Sara came back, because even if she and her mom were rarely on the same page, Donna got comfort and blindly optimistic support and sometimes that was enough for Felicity.

“I thought,” Felicity started, halfway through her second glass of wine even though it was all of two o’clock in the afternoon, because that was another thing Donna got. “I don’t know, I guess I thought once I stopped fighting it would just fall into place. Why did she have to run away?”

“What would you have done if you’d told her you loved her that night you kissed her?”

“Um, jumped off the roof of my building. Not helpful.”

“Baby, okay, she’s not jumping off any roofs. But you know why she ran away, right?”

“I know, but if she just… ugh, everything was going to be so good.”

Two sips into her third glass: “What if this is a sign?”

“Sweetie…”

“What if the universe saw what I was about to do and—“ Her phone buzzed and she grabbed it off the couch cushion to her side.

**Thea:** _Got her. Gonna let her dry out at the house, give us a day or two and we’ll get her talking. It’s going to be fine._

It didn’t sound fine. Felicity put her wine glass down and held her phone in both hands, pressing it to her forehead and groaning out all the air in her body.

“What is it, baby?” her mom asked, sounding concerned.

“She’s fine, I guess. Sounds like she was drinking. This is killing me.”

**Felicity:** _Obviously don’t say it’s from me but please give her a hug or seven._

**Felicity:** _And thank you… you and Ollie. Thank you for taking care of us both._

**Thea:** _Always, sweetheart._

She spent the rest of her night with her mom, watching trashy reality TV and finishing off the bottle of wine, and Felicity was almost entirely lost inside her worries and wishes but at least she didn’t have to be alone.

She slept on her mom’s couch and went in to work with a wine hangover, texted Thea and went to work and texted Thea and went to work and toward the end of the workday on Wednesday Thea texted, _Come over for dinner,_ and Felicity almost pulled a muscle in her panic. She could go home and change and freshen up or she could be at the mansion in fifteen minutes flat, so she went with that option.

Thea opened the door for her and wrapped her up in a tight hug before sending her up the stairs, “Third door on the left.”

The door was ajar, so Felicity knocked and then eased it open, seeing Sara across the room curled up in the window seat, and she waited for Sara to look up and see her before crossing the threshold and closing the door behind her. Then she stopped, just barely inside the room, and wrung her hands in front of her.

When Sara had looked at her, she’d had dark circles under her eyes, no makeup, and no expression. She was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt and her hair had either air-dried or not been washed in days and Felicity’s stomach was cramping with worry.

“Sara?” There was room beside her on the window seat but Felicity didn’t know if that would be too close. There was an awkward straight-backed wooden chair she could sit in, or the bed, so Felicity ended up picking a spot on the rug about six feet away from Sara and sitting cross-legged on the floor.

She kept wringing her hands, twisting her fingers into knots, and she didn’t know where to _start_. Sara wouldn’t look at her, and Felicity wasn’t sure whether she herself had done something awful or whether Sara was beating herself up for something. She didn’t want to ask but she didn’t want to assume, either.

Well, she could assume her own guilt, perhaps. “I’m sorry if I messed up on Saturday. I just wanted… I just… wanted for you to get a good sleep so we could talk in the morning. I’m sorry you felt like you had to leave, I didn’t want to make you feel that way.” She was already crying, but the past few days had taken everything out of her and she just didn’t have any walls left to hold up. “I’m sorry, maybe I should have said something different, I wanted, I just wanted for us to be on a level playing field before I said anything concrete, I didn’t, I don’t know, I didn’t know the right thing to do and maybe I did the wrong thing but, Sara, I just wanted to do it right.”

She was blubbering, rambling, and Sara shifted down from the window seat to kneel on the floor, her hands loose in her lap and her head low.

Maybe Sara couldn’t talk right now. Maybe it was Felicity’s job. “I know I’ve been giving you mixed signals since you got home. I thought… or maybe I hoped… that I’d be able to carry on like before, which was just… life without you, because I didn’t have a choice. Because I… because it was so hard when you left, and I didn’t want to go through that again. So I asked, begged, every person I know to tell me I was doing the right thing.”

She paused, blinked, and Sara still hadn’t moved. “But they said no, Felicity, you can’t just pretend she didn’t come home. No, Felicity, you can’t just ignore her existence and hope for the best. So I spent time with you and I _loved_ you and it hurt so much and I said, can’t I just walk away? This is too much, can’t I just… so I went on a date, and it was my very last resort, and I think Thea knew that.

“And instead of forgetting you, I… told him about you. And he said, if you love her and she loves you and you’ve got maybe two years, then take those two years. Don’t _waste_ them, not when you could be _with_ her. And I thought, okay, maybe. If she loves me, if… if I can work up the courage. I just, I wanted to wait for the morning, I wanted to tell you in the morning.”

Still weeping, and she could just barely tell that Sara was too, her tears falling down into her open hands, and Felicity pushed up onto her knees, crawling forward the few feet until she could sit back on her heels and reach for Sara’s face, lifting her chin so she could finally look into her eyes.

“Sara,” she pleaded, and Sara was frowning, her eyes so sad, the tears still coming. “Please, I love you. What do you need?”

“I’m still the one who hurt you,” Sara said, voice rough. “I’m the one who left you. What if you can’t forgive me?”

Pushing up again, Felicity leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Sara’s back and then turning, pressing her hip to the wall and sliding down until she was half-collapsed on the floor, Sara’s body in her arms. “What if I just love you?” she said back. “What if all I can do is love you for the rest of my life?”

“Really?” Sara said softly, her hands gripping the sides of Felicity’s shirt.

“Just don’t leave me here again. If you have to go, take me with you.”

“ _Really?_ ” Sara said again, gently incredulous, more awed than anything else.

“I don’t want to be without you again. If you can… if… if you can just tell me you’ll love me. Tell me you won’t let me go.”

“I won’t, baby. I learned my lesson.” She tucked her face into the curve of Felicity’s neck, wrapping her arms fully around Felicity’s waist. “I love you. I love you so much.”

Felicity sighed, the weight of the world lifting off her chest, and her eyes fell shut, Sara’s body against hers feeling like bliss, like peace, like her heartbeat was slowing down to conserve energy because she didn’t need to fight now, not now.

They stayed there for an hour, a day, a year, and then Thea knocked softly on the door and poked her head in, smiling at the sight of them and saying, “You guys wanna eat?”

“Yeah,” Felicity said roughly, tilting her head to smile back at her. “We’ll be down in a minute.” Indecipherable grumbling came from the vicinity of her neck and she laughed, saying, “You have to eat. Keep your strength up. Live a good long time.”

“Fair enough,” Sara mumbled into her skin. “With you, yeah?”

“Yeah, with me.” Felicity sighed again, relief pumping air into and out of her lungs like she’d been holding her breath since Saturday, since Sara came home, since Sara left five years ago. She wrapped her arms tighter around Sara’s back, pressed her face to her hair. “You wanna come sleep over tonight?”

”Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“I’ll call in sick if you sleep over.”

“That’s a good deal. I’ll take it.”

Felicity gently disentangled herself, standing up and reaching both hands down for Sara to grab onto. When she was on her feet, she wrapped her arms around Felicity again in a proper hug, and Felicity rubbed one hand up and down her back before stepping back and tugging Sara out into the hallway. They ate dinner in the kitchen with Thea and Oliver, nobody talking much, and then hugged goodbye in the foyer.

“Thank you,” Felicity murmured into Thea’s ear. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Love you, girl. Take care of her.”

Felicity stepped back with a mock salute, taking Sara’s hand again and leading her out to the car. She needed both hands to drive and Sara twisted hers in her lap, staring out the window and fidgeting until they were parked and she could lean into Felicity’s side. Felicity had to lean back to keep them walking in a straight line, but that was fine.

As soon as the apartment door closed behind them, Sara turned, placing her palms on Felicity’s cheeks and kissing her, and Felicity wrapped her arms around Sara’s waist, holding her body close and kissing her back. It was hard to believe they hadn’t kissed since Felicity was drunk, since five years before that. It felt like yesterday and like an eternity at the same time, and right now it felt like coming home.

Sara reached for Felicity’s waist, fumbling where her blouse was tucked into her dress pants, her hands shaking as she tried to get a grip on it, and Felicity found her hands with her own, linking their fingers and pulling her face back just far enough to focus on Sara’s.

“Babe, you been sleeping?”

Sara blinked back at her, brow lowering the slightest amount, but the dark circles under her eyes answered the question for her.

Felicity smiled, kissing the tip of Sara’s nose and drawing a smile out of her in return, and said, “We’re gonna go to sleep now. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

“You won’t change your mind in the morning?” Her eyes were just avoiding Felicity’s and Felicity reached up to cup her face, not to force her to meet her eyes but just to hold her face gently and stroke her thumbs over Sara’s soft cheeks.

“About what? Loving you? Wanting to be with you? To change my mind in the morning I would have to believe in a Sara that would lie to me or purposefully hurt me, and I don’t. I know you, don’t I?”

She nodded quickly, fresh tears making tracks on her cheeks, and Felicity kissed them away.

“Maybe if you get enough sleep you’ll cry a little bit less.”

Sara laughed wetly, wiping at her face. “We can only hope.”

They changed into pyjamas and snuggled up in bed, Sara tucking her head under Felicity’s chin again and sighing. “Thank God I get to re-do this sober,” she said, and Felicity just stroked her hair in silence. After a minute, she went on, “The first month over there—most of those kids are out for a month, three months, then they go home, so it’s a party every night, drinking until they pass out and going to work drunk in the morning. I was never that bad, but I went with the flow, getting… adjusted, I guess. Drinking instead of getting adjusted to life without you, without anything I’d ever known.”

She sighed again, nuzzling her cheek against Felicity’s chest. “Once it became clear that we were going to be staying a while, we just left all of that behind. No point dealing with the temps at all, really, except to get a job done. We bonded with people like Maia in the kitchen, Simon who kept the cleaning crews together. The people who stayed. So instead of drinking at night, we drank tea in the kitchen, or went and hung out with the kids at the orphanage.

“I didn’t mean to get sober, but I guess that was part of my journey. It certainly turned out that way. It couldn’t just be college part two, you know? I had to grow up. So did Ollie. I’m glad I wasn’t alone,” she added softly, and then fell silent for a moment, and Felicity kept running her hand over her hair and down her back.

“I spiraled, on Saturday, I spiraled, and I’m not proud of that. I guess the reason I left was because… it was more than just getting drunk one time and… confessing my love, or whatever. It truly felt like I had failed myself, and by extension you. Which just fed into the idea that I couldn’t have you, didn’t deserve you. I don’t know what would have happened if Thea and Ollie hadn’t taken me home.”

“I’m so sorry, Sara,” Felicity said softly, and maybe she would never run out of tears for Sara. “I’m so glad they were there. It was hard to stay away.”

Sara’s arm around Felicity’s back tightened and she squeezed briefly. “You’re an angel.”

“Am not.”

“No,” Sara agreed readily, smoothing her hand over the planes of Felicity’s back. “No wings.”

“Human.”

“Yeah,” Sara sighed, her body softening and her voice slowing gradually. “The most… wonderful human. The best… best human. The… my human…”

Felicity closed her eyes, her body dragging her mind toward sleep, and all she could think was that the part of her that was aching the last time she was lying here with Sara in her arms was quiet now, calm. This was right. This was what made sense. This was what she wanted for the rest of her life.

She woke from a dream that she was searching for Sara at the bottom of a swimming pool, turning and pawing at the water, catching sight of movement from the corner of her eye but turning too late, never seeing her—to find that Sara had rolled away, a few inches between them on the bed, and she fell back asleep.

She woke to Sara’s murmured, “Fliss?” to see Sara, still a few inches away but facing her now, frowning in her sleep, and she slid forward on the bed, stroking the side of Sara’s face and saying, “I’m right here, baby,” waiting for Sara’s sigh before she closed her eyes.

She woke to a louder cry and Sara had made it to the other side of the bed, lying on her back with one hand grasping, whimpering quietly and Felicity put her hand in Sara’s, moving toward her and wrapping an arm around her waist, and Sara woke up just enough to say, “Sorry,” and Felicity said, “Go back to sleep, shh, it’s okay.”

She woke up and it was morning and Sara was still in her arms and she breathed a sigh of relief, trying not to move too much as she dipped her chin to rest on Sara’s shoulder, Sara’s hair soft against her face. She closed her eyes and remained still, floating into some kind of peaceful meditative state until Sara shifted against her, a questioning hum in her throat as she reached up to touch the side of Felicity’s face.

Sara inhaled deeply, turning onto her side to face Felicity with her palm still flat against her cheek, and said, “You’re still here.”

“It’s my apartment,” Felicity said wryly, and Sara let her eyes drop, half-smiling.

“I know, I just—thought it might have been a dream.”

Felicity inched forward, brushing their noses together and then pressing soft kisses to Sara’s lips, sweet and gentle until she said, “I’m real,” and then Sara pressed forward, kissing hard and pushing up off the bed, one hand going to brace on the other side of Felicity’s head as she rolled them slightly, her leg fitting between Felicity’s. She kissed hungrily, desperately, and Felicity was not surprised, just matched the intensity and tangled her fingers in Sara’s hair, lifting up off the bed and tugging Sara down towards her at the same time.

Sara slipped her hand between Felicity’s back and the bed, her palm flat against the small of her back, their abdomens pressing together, and then she shifted her weight, wedging her thigh tighter in between Felicity’s legs, and Felicity gasped, arching more. Sara kissed along her jaw, down her neck to her collar bone, sucking gently there and murmuring, “Mine,” into her skin.

She traced the neckline of the button-up pyjamas Felicity was wearing, undoing the first button and kissing down between her breasts, pausing just where the curve of the swell began and sucking harder there, soothing it with her tongue and then sucking again, pulling back to make sure she left a mark and then looking up at Felicity. “Mine,” she said again, and Felicity nodded, her neck arched back against the pillow.

“Yeah,” Felicity said breathlessly, one hand still tangled in Sara’s hair. “Yours. All yours.”

Sara’s eyelids dropped a little and she turned back to Felicity’s chest, undoing another button and pressing a kiss to the dip where Felicity’s ribs met in the middle before slipping her hand under the fabric, cupping the underside of Felicity’s breast and taking her nipple into her mouth, groaning a little at the feel and at the tightening of Felicity’s fingers in her hair.

Felicity moaned, her other hand already up under the cotton of Sara’s t-shirt, sliding up over the curve of her back and pushing the material up as Sara moved down her body. Sitting up, Sara met her eyes again, tugging the t-shirt up over her head and tossing it aside, pressing her open mouth to Felicity’s and unbuttoning her top the rest of the way, helping her slip her arms out of the sleeves and then running her palms up and down Felicity’s bare abdomen, groaning again into her mouth.

Felicity whimpered, her own palms skimming over Sara’s back, and then she felt the curve of a muscle that hadn’t been there five years ago and remembered her thoughts on the day of their picnic. “Wait,” she gasped, and Sara froze, her hands hovering an inch from Felicity’s skin. “Let me look at you.”

Glancing up from beneath the mess of her hair, Sara met Felicity’s eyes uncertainly, sitting up slowly and running her hand through her hair to pull it back behind her shoulders. Felicity settled her hands on Sara’s thighs, tracing her eyes over the lines of her neck, her shoulders, the defined line between her pectorals and the shape of her waist, the sold muscles of her belly, not soft anymore.

Blinking back up to meet Sara’s eyes, Felicity nudged at her thigh, urging her to get up, and Sara dipped her chin again, smiling down at her lap.

“Baby…” she whined a little, only half serious, and Felicity smiled back, nudging her again.

“I need to see you.”

She climbed off the bed, stepping away a couple feet and standing with her back to Felicity. Her shoulders rose and fell on a breath, and then she raised her arms straight out to her sides, rolling her shoulders back and tipping her face up to the ceiling. Felicity gasped, scrambling off the bed herself and using one hand to brush Sara’s hair over her shoulder, the other one gliding across her opposite shoulder and over her bicep, then back up to draw lines straight down her back, feeling the hills and valleys of muscles she’d never even seen before.

“Sara…” she said reverently, stepping forward and pressing her own, soft torso to Sara’s back, one hand flat on Sara’s belly and the other keeping her hair out of Felicity’s face as she pressed her lips to Sara’s neck, to the muscle there, to her shoulder. “All of this from working?”

“No,” Sara breathed, tilting her head to the side and leaning back into Felicity, “not all of it. One of the custodians taught me Wing Chun, it’s a martial art. I—“ She broke off as Felicity opened her mouth against the muscle between her neck and her shoulder, wrapping her lips around it and pressing her teeth down. “Um, I… we kind of never stopped moving, and it all just—“

Felicity stroked her palm over Sara’s belly, feeling the grooves, the tiniest layer of fat making them just soft enough, and let the tips of her fingers slip just under the waistband of the leggings Sara had worn to bed. Her thumb kept sweeping over her belly and she murmured, “Still soft. Where else are you soft, baby?”

Sara sobbed, more of her weight coming back to rest on Felicity, and she grasped for Felicity’s hand, pushing it down. Felicity wrapped her other arm around Sara’s waist, holding her securely as she slid her hand down the front of her pants and between her legs. She let her whole hand smooth over her before drawing her middle finger back up the centre, and they both moaned out loud.

“Soft,” Felicity murmured into Sara’s ear, “still my soft baby, aren’t you?”

Sara nodded, her head resting back against Felicity’s shoulder, and she whimpered as Felicity pushed her finger in deeper and then withdrew her whole hand, grasping for it and turning her head frantically.

“Can those strong legs hold you up, baby?” Felicity asked, moving to push Sara’s leggings down, crouching as she bared Sara’s legs and smoothing her palm over the rigid muscles there. She helped Sara step out of the pants, then looked up at her, one arm wrapped around her thigh, hand stroking over the skin. “You wanna lean against the wall?”

Sara nodded again, her eyes squeezed tightly shut, and Felicity guided her around until her back was pressed to the wall, knees slightly bent, and then Felicity moved between her legs and knelt, pressing a kiss to Sara’s pelvis.

“I love you,” she murmured into her skin, and looked up. “You okay?”

Another nod, and Felicity couldn’t help but smile at the idea that Sara was already beyond speech, would sign something playfully if Sara had her eyes open or might possibly get the joke, instead just kissed her skin again and mumbled, “I missed you, I love you so much,” before moving down and pressing her open mouth between Sara’s legs. She cried out, her hips jerking slightly, and Felicity narrowed her tongue, swept it pointedly up, and Sara grasped for her hair, fingers molding to the back of Felicity’s head.  

The legs were as strong as they looked, solid and barely shaking with the strain, and Felicity couldn’t stop running her hands over them, from her knee to her hip and around her ass—with a squeeze or two there, down the backs of her thighs and around again, as she worked her tongue over and inside Sara, just barely conscious of Sara’s needy babbling above her, asking for more like Felicity would ever stop, like she would ever deny Sara anything.

Sara pressed back into the wall as she came, her heels lifting off the floor with the wave that rocked her body, and her legs didn’t close even one inch. Felicity was certain those thighs were fully capable of crushing her, and she marvelled at the strength and control Sara obviously had as she gentled her mouth, riding out the pulses. When Sara’s muscles loosened and she started to slide down the wall, Felicity stood up and wrapped her arms around her, walking her over to the bed and laying her down, pulling the blanket up over them both.

“Love you,” Felicity murmured, and she licked her lips again, closing her eyes and remembering the feel of Sara under her mouth, and some part of her knew she didn’t need to do this, didn’t need to burn these memories into her brain out of fear that she would lose the opportunity to do it again, but she couldn’t help it.

After a bit, Sara groped around for one of Felicity’s hands and linked their fingers, bringing them up to her mouth and pressing a kiss to the back of Felicity’s hand. She kissed it again, then turned her head, their hands clasped to her cheek as she met Felicity’s eyes.

“I missed you,” she said, and Felicity nodded. “I love you,” and Felicity nodded again. “There’s a lot of things I can’t promise you. This world is… terrifying, sometimes. I’m afraid to say what I want out loud, sometimes, because it could be taken from me.” She brought her free hand up to rest on Felicity’s cheek, her eyebrows drawing together slightly. “I can’t swear that leaving was the right choice, and I don’t want to. What I do know is that when I promise you now that I won’t leave you, I know exactly what that means. The truest, most certain thing about me is loving you. And I couldn’t be happier.”

Her voice thickened at that, her eyes filling with tears, and Felicity smiled at the juxtaposition, kissing her before the tears could fall.

“I love you,” she said back, kissing her again. “I’m happy.”

Sara smiled against her, pressing her hand to the curve of Felicity’s jaw and then stroking it down over her neck, pausing by memory at the place she marked earlier and smoothing over Felicity’s breast, removing her mouth from Felicity’s finally to follow the path her hand was taking.

Felicity sighed, and as Sara untangled their other hands she drove her fingers through Sara’s hair, curling her fingers in it and remembering, groaning low in her throat as Sara moved down her body. Her imagination had failed her so many times, just barely keeping her going but absolutely pathetic when faced with the real thing. Not a complaint, not now, not in the midst of it.

She cried when she came, still, though from an over-fullness now instead of that gaping empty hole. She cried even as Sara wrapped her up in her arms and Felicity cupped her hand around her eyes to try to keep her tears off Sara’s skin. She cried sobbing, messy, held tight in Sara’s arms.

“Happy?” Sara asked worriedly, and Felicity laughed, sobbed.

“Very happy,” she said firmly. “Extremely happy.”

“Okay,” Sara whispered back, rubbing her hand up and down Felicity’s back as she gradually settled down, the forced calm of the aftermath of a crying fit drawing her back into that floating, liminal space, Sara’s skin against hers like a balm.

Eventually, she moved back to set her head on the pillow and look Sara in the eyes, and they stayed like that for a while, just looking.

“How are you doing?” Sara asked quietly, and Felicity smiled.

“I need a bath.”

“A bath—?“

Felicity nodded. “One of my few requirements for this place—a real bathtub.”

Sara’s eyes lit up, and Felicity laughed again, grinning.

“I suppose you could share it with me, if you were looking to conserve water.”

Turning dry, Sara said, “You joke, but I actually am passionate about water conservation.”

“Perfect, then,” Felicity said, rolling away and off the bed to go into the bathroom and start filling the tub, adding her organic bubble bath and leaving it while they each used the toilet and drank some water. Once it was full and frothy, Felicity got in and sat up against the end while Sara sat in front of her. Shuffling down a little, Felicity rested her head on the edge of the tub and let Sara get adjusted, then wrapped her arms around Sara’s waist.

Technically, or supposedly, Sara had one inch on Felicity in height, though Felicity would argue that ‘fact’ probably until the day she died. Either way, Felicity was always the big spoon. That was just the way things were between them. In the great wide world, Sara was the brave one, the one who walked between Felicity and the street, who stepped between Felicity and the world, but when it was just them, it was entirely different. Sara was fragile, too; she just didn’t wear it on her sleeve.

Breathing slow, Felicity closed her eyes, floating away a little bit. Sara’s skin was slippery and smooth under her hands, and she slid her palms up and down over Sara’s belly. “I love your body,” she said dreamily, and Sara laughed a little.

“Do you?”

“It’s very nice,” Felicity affirmed, moving her hands up to Sara’s shoulders and running them down over her arms, and Sara sighed, tipping her head back on Felicity’s shoulder.

“I can’t believe—“ Sara started.

“I know,” Felicity murmured back, crossing her arms just under Sara’s chest. “I’m—is it okay if I’m still scared?”

Sara pushed up slightly, carefully manoeuvring herself over to lie on her belly, resting her forearms on Felicity’s shoulders and cupping her jaw. She just looked at her for a moment, serious, then said, “You can be scared. You’ve got all the time in the world to be scared, because we’ve got all the time in the world to be together.” She raised one hand to trace Felicity’s hairline, pushing back damp strands. “Feel what you feel. I’ll be here.”

Felicity tipped her chin forward, and Sara pushed up closer to kiss her. The slide of wet skin-on-skin brought an involuntary moan out of Felicity, and she bit down on Sara’s lip without meaning to, shifting one of her thighs up between Sara’s legs. Sara moaned in turn, gripping the back of Felicity’s neck and kneeling on the bottom of the tub, pressing one knee between Felicity’s legs and sliding against her thigh.

“Oh god,” Sara gasped. “Are we, um, done talking?”

“For now,” Felicity muttered, gripping Sara’s waist and arching her neck back against the tub, rubbing herself up against Sara’s thigh. It was slippery and slightly dangerous and not quite enough friction, but god, it was good. They rocked back and forth, never really setting a rhythm or making any sense of it, adding fingers when necessary, each managing to have something like an orgasm and then collapsing, laughing, finding their way back into the position they started in.

“You’re my baby,” Felicity said matter-of-factly, and Sara found her hand under the water, linking their fingers.

“Yeah, I am.”

 

 

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a struggle with this fic. Initially the opening scene was just going to be Sara and Felicity using ASL to communicate in a loud club, but then Felicity was non-verbal and I decided to let myself write her as autistic just for a bit, a few scenes, and then go back and edit out the more overt traits. I'm not sure that was the right thing to do. Maybe I should have gone with my gut and left it in, but I'm still really happy with this fic as a whole.
> 
> I do believe Felicity has some subtle autistic traits in canon, mostly in the first couple of seasons, and I think with a different upbringing and history those traits may have come out more or less. She *is* autistic in this fic, based partially on the autistic traits of me and my friends. I love her very much and I hope you do too.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.


End file.
